Some days it just hits you...

Let me begin this post by saying...I think it's a good thing overall that people are being open and honest about infant loss and miscarriage on social media.  I think it is good to shed light into this dark place in a person's life.  I also think it reminds us that people are mourning the loss of a LIFE.

That being said, whenever I see these posts it brings to light the now dull ache of the loss of our first baby.  Those moments make me treasure the sweet moments with my 2 beautiful children, and be thankful during times I want to pull my hair out.  Eliana seemed to sense my sadness yesterday and was extra cuddly.  I love how children are so in tune to their mommas.

This Friday we move, and for some reason that move is bringing to the surface these lasting feelings of loss that I have.  There is this deep part of me that feels like I'm leaving a child behind.  I'm not saying this is necessarily a rational part of me, but there is something quite horrible to have in your medical record a pathology report that has the specimen listed as Product of Conception...and that is all that is left of your baby.  Your baby is disposed of as medical waste.  Its a reality of first trimester miscarriage that people don't talk about, but there it is.  All there is to move is a tiny box of mementos of that precious baby we both wanted so badly.

Now that we have a boy and a girl, people ask us all the time if we are done having kids.  My answer is always probably.  After all, we have the "All-American Family."  What they don't know is that I just don't feel like I can do it again.  The anxiety, the hope, the fear...they are such raw emotions.  I never want to fill out the paperwork that asks you how many pregnancies you've had and have a different answer for number of live births.  Its just awful...

This post doesn't have a neat and clean ending...because I just don't have one right now.  Sometimes life isn't wrapped in pretty packaging...it just is